15/06/2006

Breaking News: Camerons Cloned: At least five models spotted in a single day

Spinoff can exclusively reveal that, contrary to popular belief, that at least five models of ‘Dave Cameron 050’ are currently hard at work throughout the UK, with two prototypes of a new ‘longer lasting’ model rumoured to be hitting pavements some time in early July.

Readers, we have an explanation. Finally, the answer to how on earth the good Tory leader can be in five places at once, is that he effectively IS in five places at once. As the guinea pig in an early Tory experiment to make Margaret Thatcher live forever, conservative scientists have long been experimenting with the darker side of cloning, and we can here reveal that his zeal as an party member early on in his career led David Cameron to offer himself as a human guinea pig for these trials.

Efforts were successful, and although all the scientists involved were quietly arrested when their plans to take over the world by unleashing an army of vicious Thatcher clones onto the street fell flat, Dave quietly chose to keep his clones in his closet, as it were, for a rainy day.

That day has now arrived and Cameron has found the perfect use for his little friends: putting them onto the campaign trail. They all share the same views, and basic brain, although it is rumoured some do have differing aesthetic tendencies.

This was observed after a Spinoff mole witnessed a heated exchange which tool place in the back of the lorry with which the Daves are transported across country: two of the clones turned out to be arguing over which tie was more appropriate for a visit to a nursery for blind under-5’s.

It was a full time job but after we discovered what was going on we found that CCO has a cunning way of jumbling up press calls so journalists can never work out that no one man could actually be in Preston at 7.30am bathing in lard and swimming across a pool of baked beans to prove his ‘average, northern guy’ credentials, whilst simultaneously having sex with his wife at home in bed, and giving a talk to members of conservative future about how to disguise their BNP backgrounds from Guardian journalists.

If you think about it, there was really only ever one explanation.

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09/05/2006

A question

A question for you today, faithful reader. Should you wish to reply, then please do so below using the comment function.

        

The United States says Iran wants to build a nuclear bomb. Iran says it's doesn't. The question - which of them is lying?

         

Yours etc.,

      

Spinoff.

13:23 Posted in News | Permalink | Comments (3) | Email this

08/05/2006

Power corrupting

A disconnection has occurred; a disconnection born of deep confusion and a grasping love of power. It is happening at the top of the Labour Party and sodding up the government's ability to govern.
    
Governments are there to run the country. However, the current Blair government is a machine currently given over entirely to trying to run itself. It's efforts are going in entirely the wrong direction; it seves itself, not the population.
        
An excellent example was the recent re-shuffle; a political move designed entirely to surround the PM with loyalists - not people necessarily best qualified for their positions, note - but those most obedient, least likely to question.
          
Hence Jacky "nuts to bomb Iran" Straw flies unceremoniously out of the cabinet window, while Trish "best year ever" Hewitt stays lodged firmly in her seat.
          
It matters not one jot that Straw spent years developing a close and beneficial relationship with Condi Rice. It doesn't matter that we're right in the middle of UN procedures and discussions about Iran, (the UN Security Council meets today) and that continuity in processes like these is vital.
          
No; that's not important. Much more important is that Tony's worried Jack's too close to Gordon. Much more important. More important than our effective contribution to the Iran debate. Yes. So Jacky? Boot - out he goes.
            
Neither does it matter that Patricia Hewitt, a woman with all the interpersonal skills of a brick, has succeeded in rubbing the entire NHS up the wrong way.
             
It doesn't matter that she made a hash of dealing with nurses, that she couldn't face up to the truth of what's going on in the NHS, and that she insisted on telling NHS staff things they knew were simply untrue.
          
Much more important than this, of course, is that she does everything Tony Blair tells her. Much more important. So she stays.
          
John Reid is certainly an able man, but is it at all advisable to replace the MoD's top bod half way through a war? And is it advisable to shove him into a whopper of a department which is now generally regarded as being up the spout? "I say John, put down the Iraq war; here's the Home Office - WHUMP!" No. Of course it's bloody not.
         
In short, the PM is surrounding himself with loyalists in an attempt to cling to power. Because he is so concerned with power rather than government the country will suffer.
                
Not only will the speculation about when he's going to shove off continue, but the rump government he has now collected about him will become even more defensive, even more disaster-prone, ever-more eager to please, automaton, nonsense-speaking and alien.
         
So we can expect to see a river of very sketchy "reforms" flowing from the ministries in a febrile attempt to please. It's all about the boss. He's worried about his legacy, you see - worried about being ousted.
     
It's just a shame he doesn't seem very worried about us.
   
Yours etc.,
    
Spinoff.

13:46 Posted in News | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

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