spinoff

John Prescott looks like a very fat annoyed, shaved badger. On steroids. With a broken nose. Even better than that though, is that he managed to seduce and then do it with his not entirely unattractive secretary. So better make that a priapic fat shaved badger on steroids then.

       

Embarrassment has been heaped upon shame has been heaped upon screw-up has been heaped upon yet more shame and yet despite this, Prescott has not stood down. Everyone laughs at Mr Prescott. We laugh at his scowl, his paunch, his small willy and his wobbly relationship with spoken English, and yet still he's not going anywhere.

       

This blithering persistence is itself informative. Firstly it tells us that Prescott still has the support of Blair. This is not the mystery it at first appears. Blair wants him there so that he can negotiate the planned handover to Brown. Prescott is the only man who can speak both to the suited, sneering, bryll-creamed media contortionists in the Blair bunker, and also to the flatulent, old-Labour, econo-nerd gibberers of the Brown camp.

           

Remove Prescott from this equation and there's no go-between, no deal, no smooth handover. That way lies trouble. Prescott resigns and you'll have a contest for the Deputy PM slot. Blair wouldn't like this because it could hasten his departure, and Brown would hate hate hate this because  - horror or horrors - the amiable, entirely honourable Alan Johnston might get the job.

           

If Johnson gets into the ODPM, then there's every reason to suspect that he might chance his arm with a shot at number 10, and if he does this, then the Eiger-faced Brown would be faced with a very tough and eminently losable leadership contest indeed. Johnson is a man with both charm and a sense of humour. And he is English of course, which neutralises the Tory's latest line of argument on the West Lothian question. Thus Prescott has the support of Blair and Brown, in a self-serving triangle of cosy political back-scratchery. 

        

This doesn't answer the most pressing of all the questions. For a moment, gentle reader, place yourself in Prescott's shoes. You have been caught shagging the secretary and she has given intimate details of your sexual exploits to the national press. The national press has laughed at you mercilessly. Other individuals have also come to the fore indicating that you are fond of sticking your hands up strangers' skirts in lifts. Whenever you open your mouth at work you are laughed at. By a hall full of hundreds of people. Like in a nightmare. You've had to give up your house and your boss has taken away most of your duties. What would you do? What would any sane person do in that situation? You'd leave, wouldn't you? Clear off. Get out of the spotlight. Disappear for a while. Bugger off.

         

And yet on he clings. He simply cannot let go. Despite the media beasting, despite everything, he can't leave. In this he shows himself a classic example of a man who has lost sight of what he is there to do in the first place. He is there - as are all politicians - to serve the public, full stop. But as long as he maintains his high profile position he will remain a figure of fun and people will poke fun at him. Thus, he will constantly be fighting a PR battle to protect / save his reputation and career, whereas of course what he ought to be doing is making sure that his constituency's hospitals work, that there is enough affordable housing and so on. Doing his job, in other words.

        

The power has him. Now, faced by the abyss of political exile, the stark reality comes apparent. Lose that job and there'll be no more junkets, no invites to spend weekends on ranches with billionaires, no grace and favour houses, no having the doors held open wherever to you go, no ministerial salary, no power, no power, no power, no nothing. It'll be just you; you in a house with your cheated-on wife. For ever. It's easy to understand why he's clinging on like a limpet. John Prescott - the scowling limpet.

           

The only people who benefit from his staying in situ are Blair, Brown and himself. Oh, and also - whisper it - the Tory party. These are the only beneficiaries of his continuing to clog up the Labour party u-bend, a section of political piping until recently occupied by Charles Clarke. While he stays and the nation laughs, a lot of important work is not getting done. He must be flushed. It is time for Blair to straighten his political wire coat hanger, and to get mashing.

            

Yours etc.,

     

Spinoff.