spinoff

Readers, we have an explanation. Finally, the answer to how on earth the good Tory leader can be in five places at once, is that he effectively IS in five places at once. As the guinea pig in an early Tory experiment to make Margaret Thatcher live forever, conservative scientists have long been experimenting with the darker side of cloning, and we can here reveal that his zeal as an party member early on in his career led David Cameron to offer himself as a human guinea pig for these trials.

Efforts were successful, and although all the scientists involved were quietly arrested when their plans to take over the world by unleashing an army of vicious Thatcher clones onto the street fell flat, Dave quietly chose to keep his clones in his closet, as it were, for a rainy day.

That day has now arrived and Cameron has found the perfect use for his little friends: putting them onto the campaign trail. They all share the same views, and basic brain, although it is rumoured some do have differing aesthetic tendencies.

This was observed after a Spinoff mole witnessed a heated exchange which tool place in the back of the lorry with which the Daves are transported across country: two of the clones turned out to be arguing over which tie was more appropriate for a visit to a nursery for blind under-5’s.

It was a full time job but after we discovered what was going on we found that CCO has a cunning way of jumbling up press calls so journalists can never work out that no one man could actually be in Preston at 7.30am bathing in lard and swimming across a pool of baked beans to prove his ‘average, northern guy’ credentials, whilst simultaneously having sex with his wife at home in bed, and giving a talk to members of conservative future about how to disguise their BNP backgrounds from Guardian journalists.

If you think about it, there was really only ever one explanation.